What now?

That's the question I was left with yesterday. Nothing is making much sense at the moment. I am moving forward, making arrangements, having meetings, but nothing is fully resolved; there many things to sort out.

Yesterday, my very superstitious neighbour commented, "Everything happens for a reason. I knew you shouldn't live apart when you were married." Hmm  . . .  well, my plan had been to spend the next year doing what I'm now doing in 2 weeks.  Renovating my house for renters, packing, planning for a career transition.

Things are happening fast, but I'm worried they won't be ready. E and A and I drove in to the city to pack up A's room today. She's now installed in her step-sister's old room. L, now 12, has moved downstairs to her new room, just in time for high school. The kids come back from their grandparents' house today. E hasn't seen them in 12 days and he's anxious to see them. I don't think I could survive not seeing A for 12 days. Not when she's 5; she's still my baby.

I'm more than a little nervous about how we'll all adjust to living together. It has been tricky enough trying to work through being around E more than our usual weekends and Wednesdays. He's a bit touchy about his space, which makes me uneasy. He's used to being alone. I'm used to being alone, too, but I'm thankful not to be. That's the difference between us. E's an orphan, so I always explain his isolation that way. At least with A here with me, I'll be busy with her a lot of the time.

E also spends a lot of his time with his kids. I think what we'll have some trouble with is finding enough time alone together. At least we share kid care, which means we do have some time alone, more than most couples with kids. However, it is never enough time for me.

I wonder if I'll ever enjoy this blended family situation. Right now, I find it all too chaotic and noisy. However, when I think about the alternative, being alone with A, or being alone, maybe this is better.

Many of my good friends are alone. Single 40 somethings . . . that isn't easy. Many don't have kids either, which I would find even harder. Despite everything . . . having A has made me so happy and it does put everything else . . . houses, careers, stuff, in perspective.