Home

I'm back home, at my house. E's at his. We talk by phone. This is the way it has been for the past 3 years. This is going to change - tomorrow.

At 7:30 am my bathroom contractor arrives to begin demolishing my circa 1940s, pink, platic-tiled bathroom interior. (While I agree there is charm to the pink bathroom - see http://savethepinkbathrooms.com/ - I can't posibly rent my house with the bathroom as is.) Today, E and I picked out more contemporary off-white porcelain tile with a complimentary mosaic pattern. All this week, the contractor will work and A and I will begin our life in E's little town across the river.

His little town is reminiscent of the little town I grew up in, way up in northern Quebec, so it is almost like I'm returning to some part of myself, but will it feel like home? What does home feel like? Like I can relax and be . . . without worrying too much about anything. Writing this, I'm reminded of how much I've had to worry about here . . . as a first time homeowner, I've encountered one problem after another, but I've also learned to manage it all. Haven't I? Well, truth be told, I've not enjoyed having to manage it all alone. I want to share a home with E. I want to live with him. I want to feel more settled than I've felt in the past 2 years.

Settled. Is that a bad thing? Some may think so. While many people want excitement and to drama, I want the opposite. Both E and I want harmony and calm. Unfortunately, we each envision harmony and calm quite differently.

I guess the strength of our relationship is that we respect each others' differences. His harmony and calm, for instance, involves constant television or radio background noise, kids shouting back and forth, and the thunder of footsteps on the stairs. Mine is nearly silent. I loved travelling up in the alpine gondola, for instance, listening to birdsong and nothing else. I think E found it stressful. Can we co-habitate? I'll need a silent retreat somewhere. He'll need to blare the tv and thump about.

Home is based in a physical place of comfort, but it is also where we feel emotionally content and safe. If we are so different, can we both feel at home in a place that must accomodate us both? This remains to be seen.

There are so many unknowns. The next year, I know, will be the hardest. That's why it is hard to begin. But begin we must, tomorrow.

Today, I'll just take stock and try to prepare for the change.