Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Still thinking . . .

I can't get out of this loop. It's because I haven't heard from my lawyer. I would have liked to add an adjective there . . . but I'll refrain. E thinks he did a good job. I feel differently.



I was in a court room surrounded by men, and I couldn't help but feel that none of those men had any idea about what my daughter, age 4, needs. None of the credited me with having any idea of what she needs. The whole process, presumably held in her best interests, was a farce.



Now, I'm left wondering how to carry on with this. Do I continue fighting for a few months' grace? Do I give in to my ex's demands, which, I must add, are completely unreasonable and only intended to provoke and control me? What can I afford to do?



I'd rather not have to deal with this. I feel that I have enough to deal with already, working, prioritizing A's care, and keeping up to this house (clearing the yard, getting my tires changed, tidying (poorly)). I will be glad when E and I merge households and we can share the load. I'm not sure how things will be distributed between us, but I hope it will make things easier. My fear is that it will make things simpler on the surface, but more complex and problematic as a whole. His kids are loud and do things my kid can't, such as watch television, play on the computer, and argue. I get headaches just being there sometimes. Which makes me wonder if it wouldn't be better just to have two households, which is a possibility, but not how I imagined family life.

What is family life anymore? It isn't what I grew up with: a stay at home mom, working dad, biological siblings. A will have . . . a working mom, a working dad, a working stepmom, a working step dad, a biological sibling at dad's house, and two step-siblings at mom's house, if indeed mom lives with stepdad. Will she be able to keep it all straight? As it is, she is constantly asking where she will be, and she is always complaining about the answer.

I'm not sure what I can do to make it easier. Right now, all I can do is focus as much as possible on her. E does the same with his kids. Our kids are the first priority for both of us, which is why our relationship works so well. We get time alone, but only after they get the time they need with us and are shuttled off to their other parent's house.

Once in a while, E and I get time alone, without each other, like now . . . which is another key part of our happiness.

At least we have all these essential things . . . perhaps that is all we can hope for?

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Nothing is straightforward

I thought I'd jump in the car, zip downtown, run on the treadmill, sit in the whirlpool and have a rejuvenating experience.

I forgot about the parade. Traffic was unusually slow as I approached the University, then I noticed at the last minute that the bridge was blocked, and so I parked in E's spot at the U and decided to walk to my spa experience. Well, once there, I realized there would be no relaxing tonight. The little gym was packed, as was the pool and sauna. So, I turned around and walk/ran back to the U, got the car, and came home. It took about an hour, all in.

Now I'm back, having had a brisk walk in the cold, but not much else, other than diversion. I'm left to let thoughts of the past week settle, which is what I've been doing all day. It's hard to be an introvert, as every experience requires so much processing.

I think this way. If my ex gets his wish to have the second-phase of the integration schedule implemented in January, then I will have gotten what I asked for initially, which was a longer first-stage integration. I just hope that A, who is exhibiting troubling signs of stress, will be okay. She's my main concern, as I pour money into this horrible and fruitless process. My second issue is the mobility one. I want to be able to live with E someday, even if it isn't any time soon. The judge we consulted on Thursday didn't think my living on the other side of the river was much of an issue. My ex is opposing it because 1. he doesn't want me to go on with my life and be happy and 2. he's afraid that my living with E will mean he will still be on the hook for child support, which he hopes will end with a 50/50 timeshare.

Anyway, it is all ridiculous and I think lawyers are ruthless people and the process is brutal to everyone involved.

What can I do now but submit to it and try to see beyond it? The good thing is that I'm good at thinking my way through things, even if my imagination also haunts me as I go through this.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Absurd

We were scheduled for 2:00 pm. We were only admitted to the courtroom at 3:45 pm. It was over by 4:15 pm. Nothing was decided. My character was attacked by his lawyer. My lawyer focused on his own priorities. I kept scribbling notes. My lawyer kept shushing me. It was awful. E was in the back watching.

What came of it? More delays. An opinion that E's town isn't so very far away. No resolution.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Wednesday

I'm trying to stay focused, but it hasn't been easy. I try to project myself well into the future and see this day in context, but it is difficult to do. For months now, I have had this day circled on my calender and ringed around my heart. It will determined, to a large extent, my entire life, or at least that's the way I see it now. I have to remind myself that life goes on and on and on . . and you just have to carry on and on and on . . .

This morning was a good reminder of that. I dragged myself out of a long sleep to get into gym clothes and out the door through the rain and to the gym. I ran on the treadmill for a while then relaxed into the whirlpool and pool. As I was swimming my slow lengths, I thought of how many years I'd been doing that . . . and how much has changed since I first started swimming there. I swam there with my ex, I swam throughout my pregnancy, I swam there just months after A was born, I returned to swim in the midst of the bitterest stages of separation and divorce, and I'm swimming there now . . . as the custody battle enters its fourth year. But I realized today, I'm okay. I've survived it all. I have a changed life, a renewed life, and a better life; I'm still afloat. So, whatever happens won't change me . . . only my circumstances, and I seem to be able to handle great waves and swells, at least so far. I have to remain steady, and can.

I'll just remember that . . . in the midst of what will feel unbearable . . . and I'll remember all the good that has come of all the bad.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

A beam of light in the darkest hour

That is what E's promise is. I'm at home after one of my killer days of back-to-back classes. I'm exhausted. Tomorrow, I have to sign off on court documents and I've been sweating all day, thinking about it. I don't want to make things worse by telling my truth, but I have to. I have an obligation to protect my daughter and defend her, but it isn't going to make it easier with my ex. To tell the truth, with him, has always been to risk rejection. Not that I expect anything else, now. I expect he'll deny everything I say to protect himself. Or he will attack me, to make himself look better. I know this, but I still don't want to have to deal with it.

At lease I have A and E and a future I can now see.

I look down at this brand new ring, this large bright stone that I can wear alongside the other ring . . . and I'm so grateful that E did what he originally wanted to, and that I didn't tear apart his past to create a future with him, but accepted our future on new terms with the past still a valued memory. It all means something like that to me now.

I can now be quite happy in picturing our future in a way I never could before. What makes the difference? He, I know, doesn't feel any differently, but I do. It means everything to me that he make this gesture at this particular time.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Rushing

I have been rushing most things, trying to get places on time, to keep up to work, to get A where she needs to be . . .



Are E and I rushing things?



We spent the weekend in Montreal. After a walk and a lovely meal in a little French bistro, we returned to our Hotel for the dessert that A had been talking up for 2 days.



"Why don't you have some," I suggested. "I don't think I can eat anymore."



"Well, let's just open the champagne and you can look at it. It's really pretty," he replied.



So, I said, "Okay," and began peeling off the tape from the box, as he watched me. Then I opened it up, expecting to see some beautifully iced cake, and there a top a little cup of tiramisu was a shiny thing. It took a second before I gasped and turned to look at E.



"I love you," he began, "and I hope that we can be happy and find peace together. Will you marry me?"



I didn't answer. I was too surprised, I think. So he asked me again and I stammered, "Yes, of course, I'll marry you." Then I hugged him.



I managed to pull the ring out of the dessert and try it on. It was a large solitaire. It was what he wanted to buy me all along. It made perfect sense.



I don't think we're rushing. We're just establishing where we want to be, although it may take a long time to get there. I have to get out of a court order prohibiting me from relocating from Ottawa, for instance. We also have to choose the right time for three little kids. So. We aren't rushing, we're just starting again . . . and hoping.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Affidavit

I spent two hours with my lawyer on Thursday afternoon. It was torture. He is difficult to communicate with at the best of times, but on a rainy, miserable day, he was more ornery than ever. He cursed and swore at his computer when he couldn't get it to respond appropriately to his one-finger typing ministrations. He raged and bullied me into accepting a position I hope I won't forever regret.



How can I not regret all of this? I was a mess after leaving his office. I called E and couldn't even talk. I can't help wondering what this conflict is about. Can this be my life? How did things go so wildly wrong?



In tracing the origins of this, do I go all the way back to someone I'll continue to name M and suggest that in my despair over our relationship, I was driven into a relationship with my horrid-ex, unconsciously finding in him someone worse for me than M could ever be? Do I go further back than that still, to my father, the exemplary narcissist, who at age 84 is still leaving multiple women in crisis over his philanderings?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Run down

I just returned from a quick run along the river. I didn't feel like it. I wanted just to fall into the couch and do nothing, but I was edgy with exhaustion and running was one way of directing that energy into something productive.

Tonight, I have to read over my lawyer's submission for the case conference. I am not looking forward to it. My expectations are not high. I have reason for this. I don't want another disappointment.