Still thinking . . .

I can't get out of this loop. It's because I haven't heard from my lawyer. I would have liked to add an adjective there . . . but I'll refrain. E thinks he did a good job. I feel differently.



I was in a court room surrounded by men, and I couldn't help but feel that none of those men had any idea about what my daughter, age 4, needs. None of the credited me with having any idea of what she needs. The whole process, presumably held in her best interests, was a farce.



Now, I'm left wondering how to carry on with this. Do I continue fighting for a few months' grace? Do I give in to my ex's demands, which, I must add, are completely unreasonable and only intended to provoke and control me? What can I afford to do?



I'd rather not have to deal with this. I feel that I have enough to deal with already, working, prioritizing A's care, and keeping up to this house (clearing the yard, getting my tires changed, tidying (poorly)). I will be glad when E and I merge households and we can share the load. I'm not sure how things will be distributed between us, but I hope it will make things easier. My fear is that it will make things simpler on the surface, but more complex and problematic as a whole. His kids are loud and do things my kid can't, such as watch television, play on the computer, and argue. I get headaches just being there sometimes. Which makes me wonder if it wouldn't be better just to have two households, which is a possibility, but not how I imagined family life.

What is family life anymore? It isn't what I grew up with: a stay at home mom, working dad, biological siblings. A will have . . . a working mom, a working dad, a working stepmom, a working step dad, a biological sibling at dad's house, and two step-siblings at mom's house, if indeed mom lives with stepdad. Will she be able to keep it all straight? As it is, she is constantly asking where she will be, and she is always complaining about the answer.

I'm not sure what I can do to make it easier. Right now, all I can do is focus as much as possible on her. E does the same with his kids. Our kids are the first priority for both of us, which is why our relationship works so well. We get time alone, but only after they get the time they need with us and are shuttled off to their other parent's house.

Once in a while, E and I get time alone, without each other, like now . . . which is another key part of our happiness.

At least we have all these essential things . . . perhaps that is all we can hope for?