Tuesday, January 25, 2011

January

E and I met with the principal of A's school on Monday. To my great relief, because they offer a specialty program, if I do move across the border, A can still attend the school if her father remains in Ottawa, which I am pretty sure he will. That means that maybe someday I can move in with E. I was convinced that in order for her to stay at the school, I'd have to stay in the district. I lost much sleep over this. After our meeting, E said, "See. You didn't have to worry about it after all."

How can I possibly explain to him that I feel like I have to worry about everything all the time?

So, that was good news. However, there is no other news. I'm waiting to hear if "the other side" will accept my offer. It looks like they'll revise it entirely and send it back, but it has been over a week and I've not heard anything.

Meanwhile, I am still concerned about how A is doing. I volunteered in her class last week and, after being away from me the previous day, she clung to me and cried, which made things awkward for everyone. However, we had a talk about that and I'll try again tomorrow. I want her to know I'm there and involved and care. I'm having a hard time imagining how we will both cope with being away from each other more often.

My other issue is my sense of longing for what it is I'll never have . . . another child, a biological family with E, the ideal family I've imagined for longer than I can remember. I realize I should focus on what I do have and express gratitude for all the riches of my present life. I try to do that, but I still long for more . . . and I don't know what to do about it.

The trauma of New Year's Eve involved his children being dropped off by their mother, who was distressed and had told them they couldn't stay with her anymore. The kids were panicked and E dropped everything to focus on them, leaving A and me to slip away to bed while the rest of the house banged about in various states of unrest. E woke me at midnight, but I wasn't in a celebratory mood. I was even less keen on new beginnings the next morning. So, it wasn't a great start to a New Year, but it was a reminder that the way of the blended family will not be easy. Perhaps the year ahead will further explore its complications; I'm not looking forward to that.

What I'm trying to do right now is survive the winter. I've been dragging myself to the gym every day for the last month, doing yoga, eating well, and trying to get back in shape. It is harder than it used to be, especially when I bring my four-year-old with me. I have to do something though, I have to feel that I have some control when everything else in my life is so far beyond it.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

New Year

My New Year's Resolution was to write here every day.

Here I am 3 weeks later just starting.

That's pretty much what this year has been like so far -- a series of delays and good intentions that don't quite seem to come to anything.

New Year's Eve was traumatic. New Year's Day was a reality check. The lead up to next week's court date was unbearable.

Now that court date's been delayed until March 11th and I have sent out a Settlement Offer I am once again waiting . . . and trying to determine what course my life may take as a result. There is no clear path and I am invariably compromised. I tend to see everyone else getting what they want while I give up what is most important to me, which is . . . a strong and cohesive family and a fulfilling career. As things stand, E and I won't live together for perhaps a decade and I'll have to keep working all the time at whatever pays my bills. To do anything else would put my daughter in a difficult position and I'm not willing to do that.