Wednesday

I'm trying to stay focused, but it hasn't been easy. I try to project myself well into the future and see this day in context, but it is difficult to do. For months now, I have had this day circled on my calender and ringed around my heart. It will determined, to a large extent, my entire life, or at least that's the way I see it now. I have to remind myself that life goes on and on and on . . and you just have to carry on and on and on . . .

This morning was a good reminder of that. I dragged myself out of a long sleep to get into gym clothes and out the door through the rain and to the gym. I ran on the treadmill for a while then relaxed into the whirlpool and pool. As I was swimming my slow lengths, I thought of how many years I'd been doing that . . . and how much has changed since I first started swimming there. I swam there with my ex, I swam throughout my pregnancy, I swam there just months after A was born, I returned to swim in the midst of the bitterest stages of separation and divorce, and I'm swimming there now . . . as the custody battle enters its fourth year. But I realized today, I'm okay. I've survived it all. I have a changed life, a renewed life, and a better life; I'm still afloat. So, whatever happens won't change me . . . only my circumstances, and I seem to be able to handle great waves and swells, at least so far. I have to remain steady, and can.

I'll just remember that . . . in the midst of what will feel unbearable . . . and I'll remember all the good that has come of all the bad.