Alone at last

I have the house to myself. E's at his office and the kids are finally back at camp. The room is banked with boxes - some from our recent trip to IKEA and some from my place, all of which I must try to address. I'm not sure where to begin. E's been urging me to purge, but that's difficult. I can understand the rationale, but I feel so insecure at this juncture that I cling to things that are familiar, even if they are unecessary to this new life.

This really is a new life. That's difficult to understand. I was in my old neighbourhood downtown yesterday, picking up A from my friend, S, who was watching her while I was teaching. When I arrived outside S's building and A saw me, she started pouting and turned away. She was angry that her plan to visit the dollar store with S was not going to proceed as anticipated. My presence was unwelcome. I was supposed to go away and come back later, so I did. I wandered around the neighbourhood with an iced coffee. I sat in the park and stared up at my old building, the one where I lived for a couple years before meeting A's dad, then for 2 years with her after he left. I wouldn't say that I had any sense of having come a long way since then, but my circumstances have certainly changed drastically. I'm glad I'm not there anymore, but it was not a bad place to be.

I also thought about my friend, maybe just acquaintance, who committed suicide last year by jumping from her balcony in an adjacent building. What a horrible, lonely passing. She was a regular at our local coffee shop, so I'd see her often, but I didn't always want to talk, because often it was too hard to talk to her. She was so immersed in her own pain and despair, that it was frustrating to speak to her because she couldn't seem to listen. Once, I saw her on a park bench with tears streaming down her face. I can't remember what I did. What did I do? What didn't I do? Why didn't I do more? That's what I'm left with. I know she had a difficult family, a failed marriage, health problems, but does that all add up to suicidal depression? What can help? Friends can help. They can. I could have. Maybe. S knew her too and she thinks no one could have really helped. But I'm not so sure.

What do we need to survive? What makes life meaningful? What is our purpose here? What can I do to ensure that no one I know ever feels that low?

I'm just thankful that I'm less alone now than I was back then. I know how difficult it is to be without social support and family support. I hope I can be more helpful in the future.

Sometimes we need to be alone, but not that alone.