Shift

Sometimes when you are consumed with something requiring immediate attention and only semi-consciously paying attention to something else, things shift in unexpected ways and everything alters.

That's what it has felt like for me recently. I am so consumed with immediate concerns that I'm not aware of major life shifts.

Yesterday was a day when things shifted, but I felt barely able to register the changes. I returned to E's house with a steady pain in my head that wouldn't go away. I was in bed early and out . . . and of course am up now as a result, but I don't mind my middle-of-the-night wakings because they always give me uninterrupted time to think. So.

I met with A's dad, my ex, and it was strange. He was late, as I expected he would be, and the conversation was strained. We stared across each other and talked about A. He seemed to talk about her like he was talking to a stranger, bragging about what she can do, not attributing anything to me at all. That was odd. For example, he praised her vocabulary, suggesting that it was self-generated. He couldn't seem to acknowledge that I'm her MOTHER. I know my daughter. Except that I guess he's always refused to recognize that.

We decided to keep her at her present school until we met the teacher and saw how things were going. That's fine - that's probably best. There are so many changes going on that I certainly don't want her under more stress. We also decided on a few activities for her and on a Christmas vacation schedule. It was a start. It was also a major step forward. I tried to speak clearly, keeping myself calm, and droning on in a monotone. There is so much tension in that relationship that all I could do was try to bear up.

Followoing that meeting, I rushed to my place to sign a lease with my new tenants. The reno, I guess of course, is delayed. This means I'll be spending next week trying to make up for lost time and it will be almost impossible to finishe everything I need to do before my tenants move in. I had to add a whole series of additional repairs to the reno project, just to make the house tenant ready. That's going to cost me . . . but I'm afraid to ask how much. I'have to work on building my backbone. My fear is that if I say what I really want to say I will put peole on the defensive. This has happened a lot with contractors. I think because they tend to be traditional men who resent women for speaking their mind, or even having a mind. Whenever E is with me, they talk to him, even though it is my house and my money. I can't tell you how much that bugs me, and I don't mention it, but maybe I should.

I taught all afternoon and it was fun, but exhausting. My personal challenge now is to determine just who and what and where I want to teach. If I want to teach, which I think I do. But everything, everything in my life is under review. Will be. Is. Except I'm not always conscious of it, which is what I tried to describe when this started.

It feels like the middle of the night.