Overdue

N-W is now overdue. I couldn't locate it on Monday and now the fines are mounting. I feel like I'm overdue for an overhaul.

This weekend A turned 6. I can't help but wonder how far I've drifted from my own hopes and ambitions during that time. She isn't to blame, of course, but the circumstances surrounding her have made it difficult for me in many ways.

How do you go in a new direction or know what direction to take?

It is at this point that I think back to M. Poor M who seemed to have no sense of direction, but had so many gifts. I know that almost immediately after our "break-up," if you can call it that, he met another athletic type and married her fairly fast. They had a baby about a year after I had A. I once saw him at a local beach with his baby in a Chariot, following his wife and her parents, looking as glum as the man I knew. I do wonder if he is happier now that he was before, and I think he probably is.

What changes people? Circumstances. They do. There is no doubt in my mind that you can be felled by hard times and buoyed up by good luck. I think of myself as fairly happy most of the time, but I'm feeling really tired right now. I remember this woman I met just after my ex left who said to me, "How can you be happy?" Most of the time, I try to find happiness in small, everyday things.

Perhaps I've given up on big dreams. I'm not sure if I have any, but I'd like some . . .

There has to be some way to get back on track.