N-W Again

I just finished N-W, I completed it on E's couch, in the morning sun. After a slow spell in the middle, it picked up. I'm left wondering what to make of it, though. I suppose the message is that we are all trying to hard to appear competent, that success is a matter of luck and perspective, that our ability to truly communicate is compromised by pride and shouldn't be.

At this point, I have to try to appreciate what I have. I can communicate, most of the time, with my husband, although we don't share a similar point of view. My daughter is full of light and hope. Slowly, slowly, I am integrating into this strange new home. I am working enough to pay the bills I need to.

Miles to go before I sleep, but I am plodding forward.

What makes one's life make sense? For me it can't be success, because I haven't any. Is it healthy relationships -- because they are hard to maintain and impossible to control. I was told yesterday I over think things.

Reading about N-W character Natalie/Keisha, I couldn't help but think of E's ex. She displayed similar breakdown behaviour, senseless affairs with some element of danger, all while she had small kids and a loving husband at home. Smith suggests that this behaviour stems from a deep sense of inadequacy, but I'm not sure I understand that. Based on what I was thinking about yesterday, don't we change because of circumstances, integrating some sense of self-esteem from success? Again, I can't really speak to this, being someone of little confidence.

Maybe, though, maybe, this fallow time I'm in is a direct result of coping so well for so long without a sense of security  . . . I'm not sure.

There is little I am sure of. Perhaps that's okay for now. I think it won't change, but I can hope it will.