Humbling

Okay. For some reason, this is the way it has to be. I'm supposed to change directions. I have to take it and move on.

Granted, I've wanted a change for a while now, but not this fast. But everything this summer happened fast, so here I am, having to adjust quickly.

I was up and out the door before 7:00 am, only to arrive in Ottawa at 7:20 am with A in tow. We went to a Bridgehead and had some breakfast. She coloured, I read. Then I dropped her off to her classroom and had a peek at it. It was pretty, a light orange colour with natural fibre decorations. A is in a set of three desks in the front row, so that's good for her, but she is sitting beside her friend, Hannah, who is extremely overbearing. I'll have to ask her teacher to keep an eye on that. There should be a meeting soon.

After I dropped her off, I went to the library, but it wasn't open. Eventually, I realized I should just trek back here because I had to check emails and make phone calls and I was tired from staying up until midnight in order to finish The Hunger Games. Yes, it was good. I can see why all the kids love it. I got it from the library, too, but there isn't much hope of finding the next one there. I'll have to buy it. I guess I don't mind. I wish I could write something as intriguing. I'll want to write this year, somehow, in between trying to learn to write professionally and trying to keep my head above water.

That's the way my life has felt for far too long, like some desperate attempt to survive against all odds. Perhaps that's why I liked The Hunger Games so much. That's dystopian fiction, but real life can be just as brutal, for me anyway. I have to wonder if anyone else feels as challenged by it all as I am. E just coasts along. He is doing well, though, so he can. I do envy him.

I wish this were easier. All of it. I'm finding it hard to maintain my grit when so much goes wrong so often. I also don't understand why that is. I know it must have something to do with me, but I'm not sure what to change to make it better or who can help. I guess just moving forward, even if I'm not entirely optimistic, is about the best I can do.