Father's Day

I'm back home, having taken E and his kids out for a crowded and mediocre bruch buffet for Father's Day. E is a wonderful father to his children. Since his wife left, he's stepped up and taken things in hand, parenting alone on his time, doing all the homework, arranging all the classes, taking his kids on trips, and making every effort to ensure that their time with him is special. He's everything you'd want in a dad and is an exemplary ex-husband.

We talked about Sarah Hampson's article "You Can't Get Away From the Exes When You Marry the Divorced," this morning. He disagreed with the thesis (title), but I could relate. I have a hard time getting his ex-wife out of my mind, try as I might. However, the part of the article I found most interesting was her friend's discussion about how much she learned about her partner from how he treated his ex-spouses: "There were also valuable insights into his character if she looked at how he handled his previous divorces. 'You see signals for how a person handles conflict. You see if he's fair. If he holds grudges. If he is able to forgive.'" This struck home with me, because I see everyday how E is courteous and respectful with his ex-wife, even when she dumps things on him at the last minute or makes unreasonable demands on his time. I told him how much I appreciated him because of this and he said, "I don't think I'm a great ex-husband, you're comparing me to your ex, who is about as bad as they come." I agreed with him about my ex, but he devalues himself, judging himself harshly for his inability to call to wish his ex a Happy Birthday or Mother's Day or talk to his children about their new step-sister. What I love about E is that he is humble, he is dutiful, he is honest, and he is such a fundamentally good man.

I know I'm lucky to be with E now, but I can't help wishing it was only ever him and I could erase my ex from my past and not deal with his haunting, hostile presence. At least I'm glad that I'm the only one who feels that way, because E's oblivious. He knows I love him and appreciate him and that even if my ex is a phantom in the corner of our new love story for me, he isn't ever present for E. When I ask E about how he feels about his ex re-marrying he says, "I don't think about that. I'm happy with you," which, of course, is the desired answer.

Some part of me sticks on how things have shifted though, how I've ended up here now with E, a man who is obviously better-suited to me, and how my ex is with his new partner, apparently much better for him than I was. I remember a conversation I know I had with my ex where I said, "I think we're too much alike. It might have been better for us if we had married other people who were more complementary to us. They could be the responsible ones and we could be the expressive, creative ones in the relationship." I was on to something with that I think. I recognized that we weren't right for each other tempermentally. It wouldn't have lasted, most everyone who knows me said, but it happened and it is never fully over. It's a Gothic theme, the stranglehold of that past on my present. I just hope I've learned what I should have from it.

What I have learned, I think, is to pay attention to signals about someone's character. The more I learned about my ex, the less I liked him. Time reveals the truth, which is why I am giving this relationship with E lots of time, and space, and consideration. I will continue to pay attention, all the while appreciating what I see of his qualities, particularly his huge capacity for care.