In the middle of my night
nudged awake, I think by
conscience, I wrestle and fight
myself, asking the shadows, "Why
am I
with him?"
They, in their quiet wisdom, gaze
meaningfully at me, and my
dark thoughts deepen.
Every morning I must
choose to be, lost in the swirl of
light and noise, the clamour and chaos
deafening their whispers of
warning.
Friday, January 6, 2017
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
Alone again
After a whirwind morning of shopping with my girl, she is back with her father until school starts. I'll be alone for days. I'm trying not to think of this as a bad thing.
My partner, my husband, is on the other side of the river. His children are with him after being at their maternals grandfather's through the holidays. I can't begrudge him this time. I need time myself, but find it hard to make good use of my freedom when I'm forced into being alone. That's how it feels. I was supposed to have my daughter this weekend according to the schedule, but my ex wants her and . . . I acquiesced because I knew I needed to sort and plan and . . . I do, but I'd rather hang out and enjoy the embers of the holiday, reading and watching movies.
Being by myself isn't nearly as exciting and hanging out with my daughter and it reminds me too much of being single. I feel single most of the time, because I'm not in a normal marriage.
I'm in a second-aspie marriage, which is like dating a narcissist all over again and feeling like a long-suffering mistress, but it is slightly better than being entirely alone. At least, that's how I've felt until now.
Until now, I've put up with this because I think it has some benefits, which it does, but I am really hoping to understand whether those are outweighed by the many unfortunate deficits I also experience on a regular basis. Being alone on the last holiday weekend of the holiday season is one of those negatives that I will wrestle with over the next few days. The problem is . . . I have little strength for it.
My partner, my husband, is on the other side of the river. His children are with him after being at their maternals grandfather's through the holidays. I can't begrudge him this time. I need time myself, but find it hard to make good use of my freedom when I'm forced into being alone. That's how it feels. I was supposed to have my daughter this weekend according to the schedule, but my ex wants her and . . . I acquiesced because I knew I needed to sort and plan and . . . I do, but I'd rather hang out and enjoy the embers of the holiday, reading and watching movies.
Being by myself isn't nearly as exciting and hanging out with my daughter and it reminds me too much of being single. I feel single most of the time, because I'm not in a normal marriage.
I'm in a second-aspie marriage, which is like dating a narcissist all over again and feeling like a long-suffering mistress, but it is slightly better than being entirely alone. At least, that's how I've felt until now.
Until now, I've put up with this because I think it has some benefits, which it does, but I am really hoping to understand whether those are outweighed by the many unfortunate deficits I also experience on a regular basis. Being alone on the last holiday weekend of the holiday season is one of those negatives that I will wrestle with over the next few days. The problem is . . . I have little strength for it.
New Year's Eve Day
It isn't yet evening. It is just before 10 am and I just finished the first round of exam marking. I have the weekend to review my essays and exams and compile final marks, which are due on Tuesday. I can almost breathe a sigh of relief, but unfortunately, I can't. I'm stressed about not hearing from my daughter, who has been with her father for the last 7 days and hasn't called. She would call, given the opportunity, I'm sure, which is partly why I am stressed. When she is with me, she knows she can call her father anytime. I don't think that it true when she is with him.
A few years ago, when she was much younger, I had to take him to court in order to get an order for nightly phone calls from her when she was with him. Those calls have never happened, but I really don't want to go back to court. It is stressful and expensive. I just want to know my little girl is okay. It really worries me when I don't hear from her.
That's one stressful thing. A large one. Another is that my now 90-year-old father sent me a strange email two nights ago telling me he had to change his will. When I asked my brother, the state executor, what was going on, he told me he had no idea of any change to the will. All this makes me quite suspicious of my older sister, who had been visiting my father recently and who is extremely avaricious. I don't trust her, particularly because my father is already suffering from dementia. I keep wondering what is going on and, although I asked my father and my brother to clarify, I've heard nothing. My sister, for some bizarre and unknown reason, has not spoken to me since my mother's death 15 years ago. I believe she resented my decision not to sell my mother's childhood home, because my sister wanted the money. She never explained what was wrong, just broke off all contact with me and everyone for the last 14 years, only returning to visit my father this year after his massive heart-attack last year. I think she is sniffing around for the spoils. Have I mentioned that I don't trust her?
The third reason I'm stressed is that I've been alone with my husband for the past 7 days and . . . nothing has really happened. I mean, he makes no effort to connect to me, we spend time together, but he is mostly blank-faced and silent. This is partly attributable to his AS, but it is also frustrating and lonely to be with someone who shows so little interest and enthusiasm for me or for our shared experiences. I do wonder how long I can handle this and look forward to the return of our children so that I have an excuse for getting away and finding other people to talk to.
Living with an AS partner is stressful. It always feels like I'm alone, or worse, neglected. I keep thinking I should try harder to expand my social circles, but there is only so much of that you can do, especially when your life is busy with a young child and multiple workplaces and commitments. I do what I can and will continue to seek other like-minded souls. Obviously, my husband isn't one of them.
A few years ago, when she was much younger, I had to take him to court in order to get an order for nightly phone calls from her when she was with him. Those calls have never happened, but I really don't want to go back to court. It is stressful and expensive. I just want to know my little girl is okay. It really worries me when I don't hear from her.
That's one stressful thing. A large one. Another is that my now 90-year-old father sent me a strange email two nights ago telling me he had to change his will. When I asked my brother, the state executor, what was going on, he told me he had no idea of any change to the will. All this makes me quite suspicious of my older sister, who had been visiting my father recently and who is extremely avaricious. I don't trust her, particularly because my father is already suffering from dementia. I keep wondering what is going on and, although I asked my father and my brother to clarify, I've heard nothing. My sister, for some bizarre and unknown reason, has not spoken to me since my mother's death 15 years ago. I believe she resented my decision not to sell my mother's childhood home, because my sister wanted the money. She never explained what was wrong, just broke off all contact with me and everyone for the last 14 years, only returning to visit my father this year after his massive heart-attack last year. I think she is sniffing around for the spoils. Have I mentioned that I don't trust her?
The third reason I'm stressed is that I've been alone with my husband for the past 7 days and . . . nothing has really happened. I mean, he makes no effort to connect to me, we spend time together, but he is mostly blank-faced and silent. This is partly attributable to his AS, but it is also frustrating and lonely to be with someone who shows so little interest and enthusiasm for me or for our shared experiences. I do wonder how long I can handle this and look forward to the return of our children so that I have an excuse for getting away and finding other people to talk to.
Living with an AS partner is stressful. It always feels like I'm alone, or worse, neglected. I keep thinking I should try harder to expand my social circles, but there is only so much of that you can do, especially when your life is busy with a young child and multiple workplaces and commitments. I do what I can and will continue to seek other like-minded souls. Obviously, my husband isn't one of them.
New Year's Poem
Snow in a million steady flakes,
covers the icy slush,
disguising its danger,
making the New Year possible again,
or some hope for a blank slate,
a blaze of soft white
to
hide the dinge of grey.
This is not the first day, yet
we will celebrate it and
freedom from the ache of cold
and pelting ice
of days before.
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
Slush
I woke early in order to try to figure out how to enter my final marks in the new system. Unfortunately, the help desk didn't open until 8:15 am, and when it did, I was rerouted several times before final breaking in to the new site and starting the painfully slow process of mark entry and verification. A and I took a break after my first batch of entries, and walked through the pelting of freezing rain to a Timmy's for a coffee and a bagel. I returned home just in time to receive my TA's call with her batch of marks, then finally, by 2 pm, it was done.
Unfortunately, the freezing rain prevented me from honouring my promise of a day of shopping and a movie outing for A. I told her I'd make it up tomorrow and over the weekend. Instead of going out, we watched one of my favourite Christmas movies - Love Actually. It was a little difficult for A to understand, but I htink she enjoyed it.
E's kids have returned from Toronto and he's having his holiday time with them. We've split into our bio families - our most comfortable settings. Certainly, I suffer over at Aspie world with him and his children. He is equally uncomfortable (I'm convinced) with A and my effusive expressions of love and affection for each other. What to do? I'm never sure. The blend has never been easy, it is something akin to freezing rain and slush, with about as much discomfort all around.
Unfortunately, the freezing rain prevented me from honouring my promise of a day of shopping and a movie outing for A. I told her I'd make it up tomorrow and over the weekend. Instead of going out, we watched one of my favourite Christmas movies - Love Actually. It was a little difficult for A to understand, but I htink she enjoyed it.
E's kids have returned from Toronto and he's having his holiday time with them. We've split into our bio families - our most comfortable settings. Certainly, I suffer over at Aspie world with him and his children. He is equally uncomfortable (I'm convinced) with A and my effusive expressions of love and affection for each other. What to do? I'm never sure. The blend has never been easy, it is something akin to freezing rain and slush, with about as much discomfort all around.
Monday, January 2, 2017
Passengers
As I mentioned in my last post, we saw the movie Passengers yesterday. We didn't have high expectations, but I really liked it. I thought it was thought provoking. It certainly made me think about how I experience my partner. He is robotic, much like the bartender in the movie, spouting out platitudes and superficial chatter, but never really engaging emotionally. Then there's the hero in the movie, a man who is feeling and complex, and because of that he does something manipulative and cruel. That describes many of the partners I've had before. So, my question to myself was . . . what's better - being safe and disconnected or emotionally engaged and at risk? I suppose I have already chosen to be 'safe' and am suffering the consequences. I know this is black and white thinking. When I met my partner, he seemed secure and kind and dependable. Coming off the terrible circumstances of my first marriage made my current partner seem like a white knight. Unfortunately, I couldn't see beyond the fantasy. Now I recognize what I was looking for, why I chose my partner, and maybe why he tried so hard to hide the fact that he wasn't 'real' from me. Certainly, he wasn't aware of the extent of his own limitations, but he also hid a lot from me that would have helped me understand who he really was. He really is many good things, but he has limitations that make him feel emotionally vapid. I have been reading Aspergers in Love by Maxine Aston and she suggests that men with AS can and do feel love and that they "can and do have full and intimate relationships," but I am still unsure of that myself. I'm trying, but my circumstances often feel as bleak as being lost in space with only a platitude-spouting robot for company.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
2017!
Happy New Year!
It came in like a lamb for me, sleeping deeply under the duvet. I was up before 7 am, reading, then I bundled up and headed out into the morning sun and snow. E was up when I returned. He sleeps a lot more than I do.
Our eve was filled with reading and reflecting, munching on our cheese board extravaganza, drinking whiskey sours and Italian wine. We never made it to the champagne, but there is always today. We are heading to see Passengers soon, a small outing to break up the long and wintry day.
What do I want for 2017?
1. Clarity
2. Radiant good health and strength of mind
3. Confidence
4. Creative inspiration and expressive power
5. Connection
Will it happen? I can try.
It came in like a lamb for me, sleeping deeply under the duvet. I was up before 7 am, reading, then I bundled up and headed out into the morning sun and snow. E was up when I returned. He sleeps a lot more than I do.
Our eve was filled with reading and reflecting, munching on our cheese board extravaganza, drinking whiskey sours and Italian wine. We never made it to the champagne, but there is always today. We are heading to see Passengers soon, a small outing to break up the long and wintry day.
What do I want for 2017?
1. Clarity
2. Radiant good health and strength of mind
3. Confidence
4. Creative inspiration and expressive power
5. Connection
Will it happen? I can try.
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