Passengers

As I mentioned in my last post, we saw the movie Passengers yesterday. We didn't have high expectations, but I really liked it. I thought it was thought provoking. It certainly made me think about how I experience my partner. He is robotic, much like the bartender in the movie, spouting out platitudes and superficial chatter, but never really engaging emotionally. Then there's the hero in the movie, a man who is feeling and complex, and because of that he does something manipulative and cruel. That describes many of the partners I've had before. So, my question to myself was . . . what's better - being safe and disconnected or emotionally engaged and at risk? I suppose I have already chosen to be 'safe' and am suffering the consequences. I know this is black and white thinking. When I met my partner, he seemed secure and kind and dependable. Coming off the terrible circumstances of my first marriage made my current partner seem like a white knight. Unfortunately, I couldn't see beyond the fantasy. Now I recognize what I was looking for, why I chose my partner, and maybe why he tried so hard to hide the fact that he wasn't 'real' from me. Certainly, he wasn't aware of the extent of his own limitations, but he also hid a lot from me that would have helped me understand who he really was. He really is many good things, but he has limitations that make him feel emotionally vapid. I have been reading Aspergers in Love by Maxine Aston and she suggests that men with AS can and do feel love and that they "can and do have full and intimate relationships," but I am still unsure of that myself. I'm trying, but my circumstances often feel as bleak as being lost in space with only a platitude-spouting robot for company.