Alone again

After a whirwind morning of shopping with my girl, she is back with her father until school starts. I'll be alone for days. I'm trying not to think of this as a bad thing.

My partner, my husband, is on the other side of the river. His children are with him after being at their maternals grandfather's through the holidays. I can't begrudge him this time. I need time myself, but find it hard to make good use of my freedom when I'm forced into being alone. That's how it feels. I was supposed to have my daughter this weekend according to the schedule, but my ex wants her and . . . I acquiesced because I knew I needed to sort and plan and . . . I do, but I'd rather hang out and enjoy the embers of the holiday, reading and watching movies.

Being by myself isn't nearly as exciting and hanging out with my daughter and it reminds me too much of being single. I feel single most of the time, because I'm not in a normal marriage.

I'm in a second-aspie marriage, which is like dating a narcissist all over again and feeling like a long-suffering mistress, but it is slightly better than being entirely alone. At least, that's how I've felt until now.

Until now, I've put up with this because I think it has some benefits, which it does, but I am really hoping to understand whether those are outweighed by the many unfortunate deficits I also experience on a regular basis. Being alone on the last holiday weekend of the holiday season is one of those negatives that I will wrestle with over the next few days. The problem is . . . I have little strength for it.