Morning Reflections

The first thing I did when I woke up around 5 am this morning was to think of 10 things I'm grateful for. After that and rolling around a bit, I decided to do my usual online scan in bed. I found an article about how to determine you are in a toxic relationship - 1. Does it make you unhappy? Yes,  2. Does it make you feel good about yourself? No, 3. Do you look forward to seeing him? Sometimes, 4. Do you see your friends as often? No, 5. Has your style radically changed? No.

Well, there is a problem, but . . . there are always problems with relationships with aspies. Does this mean I leave? I haven't yet. I can't seem to. There always seems to be just a little more good than bad that keeps me in it.

There is love, sure . . . but I can't feel it when I don't 1. hear it, 2. see it, 3. feel it.

So, now I'm full on in complaint mode, whereas I started the morning in gratitude.

How does that happen?

My question to myself is . . .

1. What makes me happy?
Used to be connecting, still is, with like-minded, creative souls. Now . . . I tend to do this through books, book and writing clubs, but nothing intimate, nothing really significant, besides spending time with my daughter. Otherwsie, interactions all tend to be . . . social and somewhat superficial. I can become happier, I know, through outdoor activities, exercise, regular outings with my daughter, discussions with friends (time permitting), and creative pursuits. I have to try to do more of those.

2. What makes me feel good?
Solitude. That's the one thing I've relied on for a couple of years now. Just being by myself. Doing what pleases me - reflecting, reading, walking, and writing. That's what has kept me going.

3. Can I spend more time with friends?
Yes, and I should, but I tend to default to solitude because it is easier.

4. Can I spend more time expressing myself through my choices - clothes, etc.?
Yes, and I think I do, when I can.

5. Is there any way make my interactions with my husband more positive?
Well, we try to do things together that we both enjoy - eating out, movies, reading, and walking/running. If we could really communicate and collaborate - that would help, but it seems almost impossible. I can try to think of things to help - a question deck, a project, an outing. I guess that will take some work . . . because he can't think in that direction. The problem is . . . it always feels like me providing sustenance to me, using him to do it, but without his active intent to participate.

It isn't easy to feel good with an aspie partner. I think that's the bottom line.