Meeting the in-laws

I guess this weekend was significant in that I met the people who have been closest to E over the past 10 years. They were nice, but it was still awkward. They kept referring to his ex as though I knew her, but I don't, and now feel I should.

I kept running into photographs of her in the house, which I scrutinized for signs of her children and appeal to E. Meanwhile, E and I slept in the double bed in the guest room and I couldn't help but imagine that he'd stayed in that bed before with her, as her husband. I then couldn't help but think, 'What am I doing here?'

The kids were thrilled to be with their grandparents and disappeared as soon as we arrived, which left E and I time alone to shop, go out for dinner, and see a play. He seemed unfazed by the situation while I thought about it without much alarm in the delirium of fever.

So, this is the new normal for both of us, for the kids, for the grandparents. People just go on and resign themselves to what is, I think. They often do not want to get into problematic speculations about what was, what should be, or what may come.

Of course, I spend a lot of my time brooding about all of that, which perhaps I have to stop, because really, what does it matter? This is what is and it is fine.

On a not-so-fine note; however, is A. She had an extremely hard time going to the before-school program today. It may have been because she'd been away from me all weekend and was up early and facing more time away from me again. Another possibility is that she really doesn't like the program. She kept saying, "I don't like this school." I know she loves her other school, her all-day school, but maybe it is just too much school and too much time away from me too fast. She's only three. I can't imagine not being home from 8 am through 5:30 pm, yet I somehow expect her to accept it easily. It isn't easy for her. This situation probably never will be and I do feel terrible about that.

What will she know as normal? What will that mean for her life and her children? How will she feel about this childhood when she is able to see it through adult eyes? Will she ever forgive us?