Spring

Here it is. There is sun and reasonably warm temperatures. The snow is sinking into the grass. Birds swoop and chatter. There is movement, finally, change, even if it isn't what I'd hoped for.

I moved in here a year ago. This morning I noticed the electrician made away with my house number. There is always something to attend to that is aggravating; however, I was warned. Home ownership isn't easy. Contractors are con artists, it seems. In talking about living together, E promised me that I'd never have to deal with contractors again. Amen.

Anyway, E is away. He's stuck in an airport is Las Vegas. He was supposed to be home today, but won't be. A is with her dad. I am feeling out of sorts and alone. This stems in part from an experience with a long standing though difficult friend. We went to see Black Swan last night. I had invited my friend to dinner before hand, but she canceled at the last minute. Then she showed up late to the movie and explained that the man she sometimes sleeps with had gone to her apartment to make her dinner and have "a nap." That explained a lot. After the movie, my friend, who invariably says inappropriate things, started talking about being A's godmother. Then she said, "Well, god forbid you should die." I am not a religious person, and if I was, my friend would not be my choice of godmother for my daughter. This friend can barely make rent. I was taken aback at her presumption. I was annoyed by her comment. I left her thinking I've been wrongheaded about a lot of things, and that friendship in particular.

As for other mistakes . . . I realize, having read The 10 Conversation You Must Have Before You Get Married (And How to Have Them) by Guy Grenier, that I should not move in with E this summer. I should take the next year to figure out what I want/need to do, to allow everyone time to settle into new routines, and to sketch out new ones, slowly, while talking and talking to E about kids, careers, money, sex, family, location, division of labour, leisure, spirituality and religion, and our own particular challenge of blending families when are children are still suffering the after effects of divorce.

This week A's schedule changes. She'll be spending just one weeknight with her father and two weekend nights. I will miss her and I'm not sure if I can be as productive with that time as I'd like to be. I have so much to plan and do that I'm afraid to begin. But I'll have to. I have to keep reminding myself to just walk through. Other people do.