Oh, the best laid plans. I had planned on writing everyday, but . . . as life would have it, I didn't. Now, I regret it, but I'm vowing to start again.
I love blogging, but maybe not always, so on days I don't blog, I'm going to online journal, reflect in a private way on my life experience, as a still newly-married woman in a second marriage with step kids. This is a far more challenging relationship than I expected. I should have known better, but no one can really prepare you for the feelings you experience when you are in this position. It feels like an ongoing conflict that you have no hope of resolving. I've coped by disengaging, as many other stepmothers on various forums have advised. Now, I live in a separate residence, across a river from my "beloved" and his kids. It makes it easier. It is more like a long term affair, something that Harriet Lerner described in one of her books on motherhood as perhaps the best possible option for stepmothers. I agree. Living with my partner and his children feels far too much like I'm a despised outsider. I no longer want to be in that position.
Instead, A and I can live here, alone, creating our own family rituals. This is how it will be. It isn't as I imagined. It is far less than I hoped for, but that's what is. I can only accept or reject it. I choose not to reject it . . . yet. I may change my mind someday if some other option presents itself, but for now, I'm resigned to this half-life. Another half-life. It seems that is all I've ever seen on offer.
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