Year End

I usually try to do a year in review for myself before the New Year in order to come to terms with what happened. Usually, I scroll back through my journals and try to summarize everything that happened each month. I keep that list as a reminder of the events of the year, but it should really be more than that. Perhaps here I can try to understand what happened and what I have learned from it.

I believe the whole process of living is about learning. This isn't true of my spouse. He seems perplexed by the notion and completely unable to see his own life through this kind of lens. As far as he is concerned, he's just living and there is no need to consider the process. This may be characteristic of Aspergers, but I'm not sure. I'm still trying to understand what Aspergers means, how much of who he is can be attributed to his personality and how much of his behaviour is dictated by the condition.

There are still many things to consider. I may not want this anymore. I have tried, over the past 11 months, to think about how to be happy with someone who is not able to support me emotionally, despite the fact that he says he wants to. He lacks "theory of mind" and is unable to respond to even direct suggestions about appropriate behaviours. Often, he doesn't respond to me at all. For example, we went out to dinner the other day. We were sampling wine. His conversation focused solely on that fact. He ate, he drank, he commented, but otherwise, he sat before me with a blank expression on his face, saying nothing. This is fairly typical of our interactions. If I don't carry the conversation, it doesn't move forward. I have been sick with a nasty flu for the past three weeks, so I've had little energy, but he's done nothing to help me during this time. He avoids me. I don't have the energy to deal with him, so I don't. I can't. I've reached a point now, just over 7 years in to this relationship, where I can no longer do all of the work to make it work. I'm not sure I'll stay. Maybe this year will tell. I tried to figure it out last year, but couldn't because it was all too new and overwhelming. Now I know what I'm dealing with and I'm struggling to decide if I can continue to live with this situation.