Thursday, March 27, 2014

No one around

Oh no. Just lost a post. Maybe better that way . . . pour out all the anguish and "poof" it's gone.

I'm alone again, just now, just for a little while, with E flown away, and all the kids with the crazy parents.

It's still brutally cold and nothing like spring, but there's sun and blinding glare.

I'm reading The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt and it is incredibly gripping and moving. I've been crying my way through my morning tea, lying on the couch, seeping in the fireglow, postponing the start of my long day until the last possible moment.

Once spring arrives, it will be easier, I reason, then I read the Globe headline that promises 2 more weeks of winter and I wilt.

E isn't affected by weather. He seems to coast along, thrumming with work and purpose, stalled only briefly by the crises of his children.

Would I were more like that.

I am determined to try . . . within reason. But being overly attached to my daughter's outcomes seems impossible to avoid. Her happiness seems the only real thing I can aim to accomplish right now, but maybe success in school isn't the real measure of her happiness. Her English teacher told me that they did an exercise in class where they each spoke to what they wished for. A explained that she was truly happy with her mom and dad and didn't particularly wish for anything.

There's that. At least something seems right.

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