Thursday, July 31, 2014

Mid-Summer

It doesn't feel much like summer. I am walled in with rain. Oh, dreary mess. I am listening to the top 100 best Canadian songs on the CBC . . . and am waiting for the Payolas to make an appearance . . . and Corey Hart . . and Neil Young's 'Heart of Gold'? Where are they??

Anyway, a distraction when I need one from everything else . . .

I am staring at the beautiful, wilting red roses that I was given on Monday, my second anniversary. I desperately want to see 112 Weddings . . . to see if everyone feels as disenchanted as I do . . . but I won't be around for the run . . . as we are off to the desert.

I can't get the title 'Desert of the Heart' out of my mind . . . and pulled it out to re-read it . . . thinking it might parallel my own particular pain at this time . . . but, alas, it doesn't . . . it is set in Reno and is about some other kind of love, even if redemptive. I don't feel anything can redeem my well-meant mess.

Recently I visited my mother's crumbling homestead. It is almost a ruin. She would have been devastated at the state of our family. I realize it takes a lot of work and will to hold people together, but there doesn't seem to much you can do if people do not want to be together and are not directly bound by blood or love.

I have been asking for help, not from anyone in particular, from the air, the summer, the universe, but no one is answering. The answer seems just to be 'carry on.'

Does anyone else have a better answer?

The sun doesn't seem able to bring any light.