Sunday

Oh, I'm so excited. We just got Netflix! I know, we're probably the last to do so . . . but still! E says, "See, technology isn't so bad after all."

I watched the Katy Perry movie just now. It was fun! Winter isn't going to be so bad . . . what with all this distraction. I know I'll need it. My own life isn't bearable without it . . .

Ah, should I really complain? No, I should be grateful. Being grateful is supposed to burn up all that negativity and set you right. So. I'm grateful. I am . . . for . . .

-my girl
-my man
-my home
-my health
-my hope
-having fun
-griping
-sun and the still warm November
-Netflix!!!
-the sleep I do get . . .

which I'll aim for now . . . with that extra hour all tucked away for safe keeping.

Bonne nuit.

Otherwise

I guess all I can do is try to be myself and . . . write more.

I'm re-reading Eat, Pray, Love where Gilbert quotes Sheryl Louise Moller  - "Tell the truth, tell the truth, tell the truth."

Watching Polley's movie, I realize that we don't often do that as women. We are shut up in our marriages and habits and we are often in denial. The truth makes things harder to bear, materially, I think. My mother just coasted along inside her head, accepting her marriage as the vehicle that supported her . . . and living quietly within its confines. I can see that I have been trying to do the same.

My husband is preoccupied with his first family and A and I are ignored most of the time. We share a living space and snippets of superficial conversations . . . and that's about it. Intimacy isn't easy for him. I'm starving.

His ex-wife had affairs. That's not my M.O., but I do need something.

I do need more.

What can I do to survive until I can surmise what to do about this all?

I can . . .

-be open to the possibility of this getting better
-be a good mother
-live as authentically as possible
-focus on my own work and pleasure
-try to expand my social circle

Keep thinking about it. Keep trying. One foot in front of the other.

The Stories We Tell

While the whole of the city was treat-or-treating, I was holed up watching Sarah Polley's movie, which I found in the express section at the library. It was deeply moving - and what was interesting was that as a viewer you were moved by everyone's story. The linking narrative was that of Polley's father who raised her . . . but her perspective was the film itself, which was about trying to understand her mother, I think, and then, there were all these other people who each had their own story that in some way related to her mother.

Of course, I brooded over the mother's marriage and relationship trajectory. What was she looking for, I wondered. What did she really find? Why did she make the decisions she did and were they worth it.

I think about this all the time myself. What am I doing in this marriage? Am I able to be fulfilled here? What can I do about it?

I guess for many people, affairs are a way of helping them feel connected and engaged when their marriage doesn't provide them with that kind of emotional intimacy, but what can you do otherwise?