I spent two hours with my lawyer on Thursday afternoon. It was torture. He is difficult to communicate with at the best of times, but on a rainy, miserable day, he was more ornery than ever. He cursed and swore at his computer when he couldn't get it to respond appropriately to his one-finger typing ministrations. He raged and bullied me into accepting a position I hope I won't forever regret.
How can I not regret all of this? I was a mess after leaving his office. I called E and couldn't even talk. I can't help wondering what this conflict is about. Can this be my life? How did things go so wildly wrong?
In tracing the origins of this, do I go all the way back to someone I'll continue to name M and suggest that in my despair over our relationship, I was driven into a relationship with my horrid-ex, unconsciously finding in him someone worse for me than M could ever be? Do I go further back than that still, to my father, the exemplary narcissist, who at age 84 is still leaving multiple women in crisis over his philanderings?
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