Monday, January 11, 2016

Tropical Island

E and I just returned from a tropical island getaway. It was lovely to feel the sun's heat on my skin, to hear ocean waves churning in the distance, to see a wide blue sky, and to drink and eat tropical fruit like mangoes, guava, and passion fruit. A few days like that should be able to carry one a long way through winter, but back in the cold . . . it seems to linger less in mind that I'd hope it would. There must be ways to keep that tranquil state breathing into the present.

I will try, over the next weeks of winter, to bring the relaxation and beauty present in that trip home. I made a list of things to do on my phone and I'll seek out warm winter break opportunities these next two months. There must be a public sauna somewhere . . . there must be opportunities to be out enjoying the sun, even in the frigid air. I've never been one for winter sports, but that may be a place to start . . . last year it all felt too much with the cold, this year may be easier. Getting through winter is always a personal challange for me, but I will have to look for sunny ways to warm my heart.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Island

A and I watched About a Boy the other day, which was a lovely movie about the importance of community. I would like to strengthen my sense of community and my social ties., especially because my marriage is so distant. Yesterday, I went on a long, cold walk along the river with my newly widowed neighbour. It was a bit awkward, as we have nothing in common but the neighbourhood, but it felt good nevertheless. It was a small gesture of connection. I would like to increase those.

Over the holidays I read the wonderful this is happy by Camilla Gibb. It was also a meditation on intimacy and community. What I appreciated most about the memoir was her brutal honesty about family dysfunction and the legacy of growing up with it. I am convinced my continual sense of alienation stems from a difficult childhood. Her book is a good illustration of how we can overcome our past to create new kinds of families and communities. I would like to do that, but perhaps I am still too much in recovery mode, particularly given my recent scuttle with my family of origin. I decided I wouldn't return for Christmas this year, and it was the best decision for me, but it also felt like a huge loss, particularly for A, I think. She has always been the reason I've returned, and I hope she'll understand why I can't do it anymore.

You have to be careful about who you let close to your heart. I'm a fan of islands.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Happy 2016!

Oh, the best laid plans. I had planned on writing everyday, but . . . as life would have it, I didn't. Now, I regret it, but I'm vowing to start again.

I love blogging, but maybe not always, so on days I don't blog, I'm going to online journal, reflect in a private way on my life experience, as a still newly-married woman in a second marriage with step kids. This is a far more challenging relationship than I expected. I should have known better, but no one can really prepare you for the feelings you experience when you are in this position. It feels like an ongoing conflict that you have no hope of resolving. I've coped by disengaging, as many other stepmothers on various forums have advised. Now, I live in a separate residence, across a river from my "beloved" and his kids. It makes it easier. It is more like a long term affair, something that Harriet Lerner described in one of her books on motherhood as perhaps the best possible option for stepmothers. I agree. Living with my partner and his children feels far too much like I'm a despised outsider. I no longer want to be in that position.

Instead, A and I can live here, alone, creating our own family rituals. This is how it will be. It isn't as I imagined. It is far less than I hoped for, but that's what is. I can only accept or reject it. I choose not to reject it . . . yet. I may change my mind someday if some other option presents itself, but for now, I'm resigned to this half-life. Another half-life. It seems that is all I've ever seen on offer.