February

It has been a long 5 months.

I'm home alone this weekend, recovering from a bout of reality television. I don't even own a television, but sometime in November, reading a free weekly and an ad regarding a reno show, I put myself and my humble home forward. Last Saturday, after 2 weeks of renos, we wrapped. It was a competition and I didn't win, but I now have a more contemporary looking home. Was it worth it? I'm still not sure.

A would say, "What is 'worth it'?" She is perplexed by phrases I use constantly, such as, "I think so." She asks, "What is 'I think so'?"

This weekend, my remodled home is empty without her.

E is with his son. His son is driving me crazy. He is mean to my little girl and I have a hard time liking him because of it. This has been my great challenge since the summer. How can I have a good relationship with E when his kids are so difficult? Should I consider living with him, or should I try to preserve the peace and quiet of my home with A? Because I didn't win the free listing prize associated with this reno show, I'm taking it as a sign that I'm not ready to move.

Not moving in with him, however, makes our relationship feel far less substantial. I can't shake that perception. I am wrestling with it .

I don't want to live alone, but I also don't want to take a big risk and move A into a home where she'll be bullied and where I'll be in a constant state of aggitation because of the noise and confusion of an awkward blending of families.

I've been struggling with this ideas since Paris, where I was exposed to the unease of being with E and his daughter. While the trip was fun an exciting, I wished we had been there under more romantic conditions, not with an ever-present and often-whiny eleven-year-old.

E tries to be all things to all people. I suppose I realize that I have to let him be and focus more on what I want for myself and A, because he will never be all I want for us.